Journey through Grief
(A new blog post series. Grief isn't easy and not very pretty but we all go through it at some point in our lives, it is how we handle it that determines a positive outcome. This is the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thoughts, emotions, my rantings, don't judge me....There may be grammatical errors, misspellings, est. but I have to get it out)
Post 1: 3 years and counting
I don’t know how to grieve and I haven’t allowed myself to grieve. For the past 3 years I have carried a boulder the size of Uluru in my throat. Every now and then it wants to rise up, rain seeks to fall from my eyes, but I pressurize it. It’s only a matter of time before it explodes, overtakes me, and life crashes all around me.
Now if I told the average Christian any of this, any of what I am going through, I would get a pat on the back, “God will carry you through,” “Lay all your cares on the Lord,” “Just trust in Him.” I have found myself saying this a million times to others myself, but until you go through a thing you can’t really understand. I love my family and friends, and I appreciate Christianity, prayers are wonderful but can you gel with me, where I am at right now. No it’s not a good place, but can you simply listen and not try to fix it. Words carry weight, and I hear your words clear to me, but get at me where I am right now.
No I haven’t read my bible in over a month, been to church in I don’t know how long, and there are days when I don’t want to get out of the bed, but can you understand me where I am right now. There is a reason for everything, surely there is a reason that I am where I am right now, yet I don’t understand, and guess what, that is okay. I am grieving, it took me three years, five relationships, one heartbreak, marriage, and mommyhood to realize it, but I am grieving. How I grieve is my business, but you must respect it. I haven’t had a healthy grieving diet, but this is something that I am used to.
My name is Najeema Iman McMahan my grandmother died February 1, 2007 and I don’t understand it. One minute we were fighting about who I was hanging with, the next minute I’m getting a call in Tennessee that I need to come home immediately . I do not understand. I been through a lot of things in my life, but losing my grandmother was and still is the most tragic event in my life. Sometimes it hits me like a freight train, I can be anywhere and it hits me. Sounds, smells, taste , my senses are on edge. I don’t know what to do; so many times I bottle it up and ship it away, but you can’t forget. When you have someone in your life as big as Marie Antoinette Thomas, who helped to shape who you are, was there the day you were born, you don’t forget.
Yes we had our share of ups and downs, as any relationship does, but love was and is always there. From my first day of kindergarten to walking through the doors of Hamlett Hall at Lane College, she was there, so when you lose that it hurts. You don’t want to admit the hurt, the pain, the anger, the emotions that flood you but they do.
It’s a battle. As a Christian people tell me that I am not supposed to be depressed, the joy of the Lord should be my strength. I am told that I should rejoice in the new life that she is experiencing, but am I selfish to say what about the new life that I didn’t ask for. I don’t like being here, it doesn’t feel good, sometimes I just want to put the covers over my head and sleep for days, but I don’t, I keep going on finding the next project that I think is the cure but it really isn’t helping me.
Najeema Iman, I AM Curly Locks