Thursday, May 24, 2012

What happened to the vision?

(Note:  This post is all over the place, that is how I am feeling right now.  I need to get it out. )

There was a time in my life, my collegic years, when I had focus, drive, energy, and most importantly a vision of what I God wanted for my life.  Somewhere along the way, that vision has gotten completely cloudy and I don't know what I'm doing right now.    Some things are crystal clear, but currently my home is a reflection of how I feel on the inside.

Disorganization plagues my house, no matter how hard I try the dishes always pile up, laundry that needs to be done, and attempting to create a schedule for a two year old and a 11 month old is driving me insane. Once again I am overwhelmed, making me not want to do anything .  Some days I sit in the same spot on the couch for hours doing nothing.  I'm bored.  I still don't have my drivers license.  My friends list is steadily declining. Ugh, I hate feeling like this over and over again.  Maybe it's my fault. I said yes when my husband asked me if I would be okay moving two hours away from Detroit.  Persnally I think that my decision was solely on money and I didn't consider all of the other things that my husbands job would require.   Due to the nature of my husbands job he is always on call and at anytime he could have to leave where we are and go take care of something for his company.  I don't hate my husbands job, because they have been very flexible when it comes to the amount of appointments that Eliana has had over the past year, and I am grateful, but we lack balance.  Often my husband is so tired that he falls asleep within seconds of getting home, yet he still manages to help me with the girls at night.( He is a great father.)

We didn't think about the fact that we wouldn't have a support system out here, and going through something like this (my youngest daughter has Spina Bifida) you need help.  My family wants to be here, but with there good intentions comes disappointment.  I don't blame them, gas prices could easily reach $5 a gallon by the end of the summer, but it would be nice to see them every now and then.  To be honest we have stop extending ourselves, we have to be concerned about our immediate family's well being before we think about extended.  Events go by, that I wish we could go to, but if we are going to get to a better place we just can't. 

Don't even let me get started on church.  We never make it.  Over the past two months either someone was sick or we were just too tired.  Honestly church is usually kind of a break for me.  Elise gets to go to her Toddler Sunday school class and my hub's, Elly, and I get to hang out in the cry room and listen to the message.  It often becomes social hour, but seeing as we still haven't connected with many people in mid-Michigan is is a joy for me. 

I feel like all aspects of my life are falling apart right now.  Sometimes I don't want to get out of the bed and I cringe at the sound of my daughters' voice.  I wonder if we made a premature decision to pick up and move for a job.  I mean you have to do, what you have to do to provide for your family, especially when you have children, but I have to ask myself was the move worth it? The bills are paid, but there is no joy.  We asked God to close the door, if it wasn't in his will,  yet it remained opened.  Should we have waited longer? Ugh. I am in such a confused place right now.  I used to have a vision, or at least piece of a vision, now I can seldom see past the day I'm living.  What happened?

Peace and Love,

Najeema Iman, I AM Curly Locks

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