Journey Through Grief: Just one of them days

It always happens around the holidays, it hits me like a ton of breaks.  I realize that I won't see her anymore or taste her fudge the ways she made it.

I'm a baker and a fairly decent cook.  I never realized that this is something that I share with my deceased grandmother.  She was definitely one of the top chefs in my family and Holidays were always her time to shine.  Between her Fruit Cake Hater's Fruitcake, Homemade Cheesecake, Fudge, Lemon-drop cookies, and Pecan Sandies, there was something for everybody. Not to mention her savory dressing, cranberry relish, turkey, greens, and macaroni n' cheese, they all "make you wanna slap ya momma."

I hope to one day carry on her tradition of being a great hostess.  Our family hasn't been the same since she died, tradition seems to fading.  She was a big presence in our family.  'Nette' as she was affectionately known, loved all but sure knew how to push your buttons every now and then.  We had our good times and our bad times, mostly because we acted a lot alike.  She was my hanging buddy, even when I pushed her away.  She will always be in my heart and as I use her cast iron skillet, to make delicious meals for my family I know she is with me.  Marie Antionette Thomas gone but not forgotten.  I will always love you Mah-mah.

Peace and Love,

Najeema Iman, I AM Curly Locks(Healing one dish at a time)

Journey Through Grief: Instant Jolt

Every time I think that I have fully healed something comes along and gives me an instant jolt.  I am not really sad right now, but it did force me to look over the past five years of my life.  Once again a matriarch has died, a very close family friend name Miss V died this weekend.  She lost her battle with cancer, but is no longer in pain.  All I can think about is Miss V in heaven sayin' "Hey Marie, I made it. I hope they're gonna be okay."  Miss V and my grandmother weren't best buds but they crossed paths often, as my mother and her daughter, who I affectionately call Auntie D, have been best friends since I was like four or five.

I have a lot of extended family.  I'm not talking long lost cousins and aunties you haven't seen in a while; I'm talking about your mama's friends that are always around, there kids are both cousins and your best friends.  Family is family to me, rather it is extended or not. So when someone dies I take it to heart. Even if I haven't talked to them in years, I hold them near and dear to my heart.  I guess this is apart of my sensitive side, which people don't see to often. 

I have seen death so much over the past five years it is ridiculous, its a part of life but the truth is that none of us really like, nor want to deal with it.  We have to and we can not grieve forever.  The grieving process has no expiration date, but it sure leave a bad taste in your mouth.  According to experts in the psychology community there can be anywhere from five to ten stages of the grieving process.  What they all have in common is Denial, Guilt, Anger, Depression and Hope.  Personally I am right around the reconstructive hopeful phase, where I am realizing that though I suffered a huge loss, life is worth living and so much of who I am comes from who she was.  Every time I went with her to serve the homeless; every time I helped her prepare a holiday meal; every morning that she drove me to school; she was teaching me valuable lessons about life, family, love, philanthropy, and so much more. 

Everything happens for a reason, every person comes in your life for a season.  You don't know how long they will be with you, but value the time that you are blessed to have.   Don't waste you life being angry. Live with God's love everyday.  There is hope in today, tomorrow, and everyday.

Peace and Love,

Najeema Iman, I AM Curly Locks

Journey Through Grief: Depressed busy body

The photos in this post were taken a few months after the death of my grandmother, Marie Antionette Thomas in 2007.  When you look at these photographs the smiles are apparent, but a camera could never capture the hurt, pain, and anguish that comes with loosing someone so close.  When painful situations happen to women in my family, we have a tendency to handle it one of two ways, both which are extremely unhealthy. The first unhealthy option is to completely shut down, get in the bed with the covers over our heads and let life pass us buy. We shut down rather than cope with the changes in our life.

In the beginning of my grieving process,  I wanted to be without being interactive with the world.  My life changed so drastically, within a few months I just didn't know how to handle it.  I was uprooted from my norm. I went from being a care free college student, studying during the day partying at night to a broken young adult forced to deal with the challenges of mourning an immediate family member.  I was forced to not only mourn the loss of my grandmother, but to mourn the loss of freedom and independence.

I do not profess to be a psychologist, but after doing a amateur psych study in college, where I surveyed 100 students and asked them questions pertaining to depression and its relationship between  loss and frequent change over a short period of time, I am convinced that it is exceptionally challenging for young adults between the ages of  18 to 25 with rapid change in their lives to cope with the situation, which can ultimately lead to depression or mood swings.  Depression may not be immediately seen in all young adults, but I do not believe that our coping mechanisms have developed  adequately enough to make us fully capable or competent in dealing with frequent change making us more prone to fall into a depressed state.

In my case, I firmly believe that my shut down, was a form of depression, but this was not the end of my unhealthy grieving process. After I shut down, I did the second thing that women in my family do when coping with grief, I got busy.  I did everything to keep from thinking about and dealing with my grief.   I got a job teaching abstinence around Detroit, volunteered at my church office several times a week,  joined media ministry, worked with the youth department, let a friend come stay at my house while having family struggles, and  got in an unneeded relationship.  I had heard the phrase, "An idol mind is the devils workshop," and I took it literally.  This schedule continued for five month, until I decided to transfer to a local Christian college.  You would think that my busyness would stop there, it didn't.  After enrolling in school I immediately joined a children's improve group, held bible studies in my room, worked at a local retail store, and went to class.  Two semesters later I added to this rigourous schedule by becoming an Assistant Resident Adviser (ARA), working an additional job on campus, accepted a position as Student Body President, and was in a relationship with my now husband.  (The later part turned out to be benificial, I will update in a later post.) Do you see anything wrong with this picture.  Not only was I not sleeping much,  I had not dealt with my initial hurt caused by death the year prior.  I jumped into the ocean without my life vest on and was sinking fast. 

If  I knew then, what I know now I would have taken time to cope. I would have only took on one activity at a time,and only worked a couple days a week, because ultimately my body and mind forced me to deal with it.  One day after working both jobs, going to class, doing my presidential and residential duties I collapsed in the middle of the hall way. There I was right outside my dorm room, keys strewn on the floor, backpack and books to my side, grungy clothes and dusty converse exhausted, overworked, overtired, hurt, angry, and lost.  Not only had I lost my physical balance,  the balance in my life was completely off.  I was Christian so I didn't want to "fall into the devils trap," but somehow I feel like I did it anyway.  In becoming to busy to fast, and not dealing with hurtful situations in my life, I allowed myself to loose focus of who I was and who God made me to be, and did not allow God to heal me. I tried to save everybody, when I was sinking myself.

After dealing with grief over the past four years, I believe that it is important to face the situation head on, rather than shut down or become a busy body. Grieving is healthy, but the way you do it makes all the difference in the world. You will never forget that person, they will always be with you, but you must let go in order to move forward. 

I know I am not the only one who has gone through this. How have you dealt with grief in the past? Was it unhealthy or healthy? Have you experienced any of the challenges that I have had when dealing with grief?

Peace and Love,

Najeema Iman, I AM Curly Locks

Journey through grief: Slushy Gray-Wintery White

A few months ago, while rummaging through my moms extensive book collection I came across the book,  Some Love, Some Pain, Sometime by J. California Cooper.  The title instantly stood out at me because of my circumstance.  I am becoming a lover of all things black and white, beautifully bound hard covers can brighten the darkest days.  It's the feel of it, the look of it, the spell of a good book that intrigues me.

I first encountered, the greatest book of them all, B-I-B-L-E, bound in black, inlaid with gold on burgundy and blue upholstered wooden pews.  I didn't know the value of a good book then, and black n' gold often functioned as the easel for my greatest creations, my muse peppermint sticks and lemon-drops.  The Great Book is more than a muse now, it is the center of my life, and at times like now the only thing that I can lean upon.

This week was filled with alot of love, and alot of pain as healed wounds were reopened. As many of you may know four years ago, I lost a huge chunk of myself, when my grandmother died.  The healing process isn't over, though I have come very far.  Losing a matriarch in the black community is far different than loosing a father figure. Often mama and grandma are the only guardians around; they care for you when you skin ya' knee, bust ya' head, even come to the rescue when old girl down the street tryna' mess witchu'.  They often function as mama and daddy.  I am not sayin' that this is the best way, but it is what it is, and it is how it is in many African American homes.

When my Ma-Ma (Ma-muh is my mother, you may not be able to tell the difference, but there is one) I lost a piece of self.  My identity was nurtured by a woman who was the first to lay eyes on me out of the womb and cut the cord of nourishment, only to feed my hunger later.  It was always Nette' and Jeema. Our adventures took us by car, by air, by plane, by train across the States.  Yes my mom was there, but because of the occasionally bickering, fighting, and the apparent similarities in personality, that's how people knew us.  The dynamic duo was torn apart on the slushy gray-wintery white February night when Ma-Ma was called home.  I know that she was in pain, I know it was her time, but that hasn't made the affect any easier.

As I sit her, clicking at the keys, wiping away the tears, I realize that I can't let the pain out-way the love.  The love I have, the love I've had, and the love I will have in the future.  The Good Book taught me that.  The ultimate application of love was shown in the pain of the cross.  For some heartbreak, but as the blood come's running down deliverance should be found.  I can live, because He died.  I can move forward, because though death surrounded me, God found me in the midst.

My journey hasn't ended yet, and as I got the call that several close friends lost their Ma-Ma's and Ma-Muh's my heart broke. I know that they will experience a whole lotta' pain, but they will overcome by His wintery-white love.

Najeema Iman, I AM Curly Locks
"I believe in Kingdom blogging!"


Some Love Some Pain Sometime - 1996 publication.

Journey Through Grief: I made through 4 years

Time flies rather your having fun or just taking it one day at a time.  For the first time since my grandmother died I didn't even realize that it was the anniversary of her death until days later and no one told.  No, I haven't forgotten her, she will always be apart of my life, but I am definitely on the road to healing. 

It is easy to create a Godlike image of those who have died around us, as if they have done nothing wrong in their lifetime.  This is not the best way to go about dealing with death, before you know it you have create a shrine around you.  The shrine may not consist of golden carved images or the burning of incense, but while mourning it is easy to hold to many things that are connected to the person that you lost, which can even lead to hoarding. I can not lie sometimes I smell my grandma's perfume and it seems like she's there, and I held on to her bottle of Bijan, wear it every now and then, but some things I just had to let go. 

I have come to the realization that if you hold on to everything that this person ever touched or owned, you are not letting the dead bury the dead as it says in instructs in Matthew 8:22 and Luke 9:60.  Hold on to some things, keep the few things, cherish the memories. But don't forget to let go of the hurt so that you can get your healing.

My journey through grief isn't done yet. Honestly I don't know if I will ever completely understand this process, but I do know that this first step in forgetting death remembering life is awesome.

Najeema Iman, I AM Curly Locks
"I believe in Kingdom blogging."

Journey through Grief

Journey through Grief

(A new blog post series.  Grief isn't easy and not very pretty but we all go through it at some point in our lives, it is how we handle it that determines a positive outcome.  This is the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thoughts, emotions, my rantings, don't judge me....There may be grammatical errors, misspellings, est. but I have to get it out)

Post 1: 3 years and counting
I don’t know how to grieve and I haven’t allowed myself to grieve. For the past 3 years I have carried a boulder the size of Uluru in my throat. Every now and then it wants to rise up, rain seeks to fall from my eyes, but I pressurize it. It’s only a matter of time before it explodes, overtakes me, and life crashes all around me.

Now if I told the average Christian any of this, any of what I am going through, I would get a pat on the back, “God will carry you through,” “Lay all your cares on the Lord,” “Just trust in Him.” I have found myself saying this a million times to others myself, but until you go through a thing you can’t really understand. I love my family and friends, and I appreciate Christianity, prayers are wonderful but can you gel with me, where I am at right now. No it’s not a good place, but can you simply listen and not try to fix it. Words carry weight, and I hear your words clear to me, but get at me where I am right now.

No I haven’t read my bible in over a month, been to church in I don’t know how long, and there are days when I don’t want to get out of the bed, but can you understand me where I am right now. There is a reason for everything, surely there is a reason that I am where I am right now, yet I don’t understand, and guess what, that is okay. I am grieving, it took me three years, five relationships, one heartbreak, marriage, and mommyhood to realize it, but I am grieving. How I grieve is my business, but you must respect it. I haven’t had a healthy grieving diet, but this is something that I am used to.

My name is Najeema Iman McMahan my grandmother died February 1, 2007 and I don’t understand it. One minute we were fighting about who I was hanging with, the next minute I’m getting a call in Tennessee that I need to come home immediately . I do not understand. I been through a lot of things in my life, but losing my grandmother was and still is the most tragic event in my life. Sometimes it hits me like a freight train, I can be anywhere and it hits me. Sounds, smells, taste , my senses are on edge. I don’t know what to do; so many times I bottle it up and ship it away, but you can’t forget. When you have someone in your life as big as Marie Antoinette Thomas, who helped to shape who you are, was there the day you were born, you don’t forget.

Yes we had our share of ups and downs, as any relationship does, but love was and is always there. From my first day of kindergarten to walking through the doors of Hamlett Hall at Lane College, she was there, so when you lose that it hurts. You don’t want to admit the hurt, the pain, the anger, the emotions that flood you but they do.

It’s a battle. As a Christian people tell me that I am not supposed to be depressed, the joy of the Lord should be my strength. I am told that I should rejoice in the new life that she is experiencing, but am I selfish to say what about the new life that I didn’t ask for. I don’t like being here, it doesn’t feel good, sometimes I just want to put the covers over my head and sleep for days, but I don’t, I keep going on finding the next project that I think is the cure but it really isn’t helping me.

Najeema Iman, I AM Curly Locks